Your dad has been gone for a week in Philly helping his mom move into a new place, so its been the boys and I.  Today I felt a little sad.  I think I try to pack to many activities in a short time- its Christmas so I want to have fun activities but all you want is to play.  That is not what made me sad, what made me sad was thinking that you both are growing up already.  I feel the baby bond slipping and it makes my heart ache a little.  Tonio, today you were a spicy pepper.  Fiesty, punchy, a little bully at the park and it hurt.  You have been my cuddler and sweet pea.  Now you use words you hear at school like butt instead of bum bum.  I cannot expect you to be my babies forever, nor can I expect you to be who I want you to be.  You will be your own person.  I am just not ready yet for to be teenagers already.

I think you both might be also getting ready for Arrow, boy #3.  I get nervous about disrupting the status quo too.  I just love you both so much.  I guess just being around teenagers at school all day, I know independent they can be and so foreign to adults.  It just scares me.  I am being sappy and hormonal right now but I love you two so much it hurts.  Even if I get mad and snappy at you.  I try.  Someday I want you to know that- that I tired my best.  I try to let messes happen, to let you be boys, and to relax.  It was not how I grew up.  I dont even really remember playing with toys.  I did only if someone else was.  I grew up an adult with the weight of my whole family history on me.  I try to do the opposite of my mom and grandma.  I want you to feel sad if you want, to play with me and dad, to be kids.  Sometimes I think it is hard for me to even play because I never really did as a kid.  I try.  I want you to know that.